Breaking Poor Parenting Habits
It’s easier than you think. In fact, it’s common sense
How to handle phone interruptions—A back rub satisfies a child’s need for attention and lets Mom continue her call, as Shel Dougherty demonstrates with son Nicholas, 4.
Eric* was the disciplinarian, Carol* was more permissive—but no matter what they tried, their young son and daughter kept misbehaving. “We were parenting the way we were brought up,” Carol says. Clearly, it wasn’t working.
The two were perfect candidates for a class called Redirecting Children’s Behavior. “We help bring peace and fun back into the home by teaching simple, consistent parenting techniques,” says Shel Dougherty, who teaches the five-session program at Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “When parents aren’t on the same page, it creates stress and kids get confused.”
Children misbehave, Dougherty says, because they’re discouraged and trying to communicate something. “Children have basic needs—for example, to feel loved or powerful,” she says. “When these needs aren’t met, they surface in the form of negative behavior.” By identifying which need your child is trying to fulfill, you can help him achieve it in a positive way.
Here’s an example: Carol’s son interrupted while she was on the phone because he mistakenly believed that love means constant attention. “Hanging up and telling him to stop didn’t work, because it got him the attention he craved,” Dougherty says. “Instead, I told Carol to gently rub his back while continuing her call.”
Redirecting Children’s Behavior
Call
610-402-CARE.
The need to feel powerful is why children often resist doing anything their parents want them to. When this happened, Carol would find herself nagging until the resistance escalated to yelling and fighting. “When parents nag,” Dougherty says, “children inevitably tune them out.”
The solution: a single calm word. “If your child comes in and kicks off his shoes in the middle of the room,” Dougherty says, “resist lecturing about where his shoes belong and his lack of manners. Firmly yet kindly say ‘shoes’ and walk away.”
You also can help your children feel more powerful by offering them a choice. Having options (even playful ones) gives youngsters a sense of control. For example: “Would you like a piggyback ride to bed or do you want to be a wheelbarrow?”
Not all misbehavior is about discouragement—it can be a sign of a serious health problem like sleep apnea or ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder). “Symptoms associated with these disorders can be misinterpreted as bad behavior,” says Jarret Patton, M.D., a pediatrician with the hospital. “If your child is irritable, inattentive or overly impulsive at home and school, see your doctor.”
For garden-variety misbehavior, improved parenting skills should solve the problem—as they did for Eric and Carol, whose children are behaving much better now!
Want to Know More? For added parenting tips or to sign up for Redirecting Children’s Behavior, call 610-402-CARE or click here.
*Last name omitted to protect privacy.
When your children fight over the TV
Don’t…banish them to their rooms.
Instead…turn the TV off and say, “When you figure out how to solve this, I’ll turn it back on.”
Because…you empower them to solve their own problems.
When your child tracks mud through the house
Don’t…yell and clean it up yourself.
Instead…ask him to clean it up.
Because…it will teach him the consequence of his actions.
When your child continually forgets her school lunch
Don’t.…bring it to her when she calls.
Instead…tell her you won’t deliver it.
Because…she’ll realize she can prevent feeling hungry by remembering it tomorrow.
Published from Healthy You Magazine, September-October 2007
This page last updated 2/12/08 04:08 PM
